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6/
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My Dear Cat
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" He asked.
"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry.
We can get a new cat tomorrow."
Petmeds
SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE
The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.
You have his n' hers bathrooms.
New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."
Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show.
Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.
Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.
You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.
Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
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Little guy on elevator
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude said, I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
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Sculptor
The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after class.
"You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the student, a rather gorgeous young thing. "Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.
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