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6/10/2003
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Lost on the golf course
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Petmeds
Found in a fortune cookie:
"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
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I got a Mole
A fella goes to the doctor and says, I got a mole on the end of my penis"
Doc says, "Drop your trousers and show me"
After a look the doctor says I can get rid of the mole but I'm gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people."
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Are you a slobbering alcoholic? (Little Quiz)
Do you get loaded on an hourly basis? Or is ginger ale your idea of a stiff drink? The key to good partying is balance. Staying home and watching TV every night is unquestionably lame, but if you get so sick drinking every night that your days are always wasted, what's the point?
Drinking is great, but too much too often can really be a drag. Keeping control of your consumption can help you lead a happy party life.
So, how well do you maintain a good party life and attitude? If you can't answer this for yourself, take this little quiz
1. The first thing you do when you get to a party is:
A. Locate all the fire exits
B. Locate all your buddies
C. Locate the women and start right up with the cheesy lines
D. Locate the keg and make up for lost time
2. When the party ends, you can be found:
A. Asleep at home
B. Sober, and driving your loaded friends home
C. Leaving with your arm around the hottest girl there
D. Passed out in your own puke
3. The morning after a party, you can be found:
A. Up early, preparing a delicious, but sensible breakfast
B. Sleeping
C. Hoping to God you didn't give your name to that girl
D. Doing shots of Southern Comfort to get rid of your headache
4. When you go visit your local liquor store, the clerk most often says:
A. "No new Spider-mans today, sport!"
B. "What can I do for you?"
C. "Haven't seen you for the last couple days. Been on vacation?"
D. "You finished all that already? You know, I only get one shipment a day."
5. When women meet you, they usually remember you for:
A. Your brand new Sears cardigan
B. Your unusual talent in bed
C. You beer gut
D. The funny way you couldn't stop shaking
6. You look forward to the Super Bowl most of all for:
A. The Michael Jackson Half time show!
B. The game, stupid.
C. Bud Bowl XXXXVCMXCLLLMC!
D. An excuse to drink alone on Sunday
7. The fictional character you most resemble is:
A. Mr. Rogers
B. Ferris Bueller
C.Homer Simpson;
D. Norm Peterson
8. When you have a little time alone, you most often:
A. Call up the girls you like and hang up after hearing their voices. Then, call again
B. Savor it
C. Relax with the Bulls and a six pack
D. Try to beat your record time for getting drunk and passing out
9. Your favorite book is
A. Any of the Hardy Boys mysteries
B. Catcher in the Rye
C. Clockwork Orange
D. What's a book10?
The biggest reason you drink is
A. Milk it does a body good
B. You enjoy the thirst-quenching barley-and-hops goodness of the occasional cold beer
C. When the Bud Girls finally show up, you better have a beer handy
D. Orange juice just tastes funny without vodka
Score Your Answers...
Now, count how many times you picked each letter and find your most common response. If you're having trouble counting because you're too drunk, just forget it and go directly to "D"
A. Loosen up, man. Try wearing boxers, eating Jell-O with your fingers or experimenting with the F-word. Anything!
B. All right, cool daddy, you're doing fine. You control the fire water; it doesn't control you. Let others tremble in awe--you are in charge of your own destiny.
C. Watch it. You're beginning to rely on alcohol too much for having a good time. Step back and enjoy life a little more. Booze is supposed to make good times better, not create them all by itself.
D. The nationwide number Alcoholics Anonymous is 1-800-950-9888. Call it immediately!
Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
Murphy at the Pub
Murphy had been at the pub putting down a few pints and was driving home when the constable spotted him weaving all over the road.
So the constable stopped him and said to him, "Murphy lad, I think ye've been drinkin' a wee too much ta be drivin'."
Murphy says, "Naw Andy...I'm as sober as a judge"
"But I saw ye come from the pub...and I've been following you.
Y've been weavin' all over the road."
"Well," says Murphy, "Maybe I've had one er two."
"ONE ER TWO?! Your missus fell outa the car two miles back and you didn't even know it!"
Murphy says, "Thank God! I thought I was goin deaf!"
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