JokeJam.com
6/12/2003
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Mother Mouse
A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen
and began feasting on some delicious bits of food.
Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward
them.
The cat was between the mice and their hole.
The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!"
The cat turned tail and ran.
With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole.
When they were settled and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her
children, "Now, what's the lesson from that experience?"
"We don't know," the baby mice squeaked.
"It is this," said Mom Mouse. "It's good to know a second language."
Viking Office Products June 2003 Promotion
Motherhood
1. Maternity Clothes.....
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
2. Preparing for the Birth.....
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
3. The Layette...
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
4. Worries.......
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
5. Pacifier...
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
6. Diapering.....
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
7. Activities.....
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
8. Going Out.......
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
9. At Home.......
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
10. Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: When 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
Who's In Charge?
I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
I should be in charge, " said the stomach, " because I process food and give all of you energy."
I should be in charge" said the legs,"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
I should be in charge" said the eyes,"because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a**hole is usually in charge!
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Chit Chat
Jill: There's a nice-looking lady at the window table.
John: She's a hooker.
Jill: How can you be so sure?
John: C'mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels.
Jill: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like a hooker?
John: There's no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?
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Pillow Talk
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Wisdom in Old Age
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter:
"What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
The reporter asked.
She thinks back to her youth and replied, "No peer pressure!"
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