JokeJam.com
6/13/2003
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Quickies
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death!
Q: What's the most popular bra size in the nursing home?
A: 38 long.
I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron.
I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Jewish Philosophy
An older Jewish man who
needed surgery insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he lay on the operating table about to receive the anesthesia he asked to
speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't
be nervous, son, do your best and just remember .... if it doesn't go well, if
something happens to me .... your mother is going to come and live with you!"
Petmeds
Pain in the Back
Tony and I were talking one day when Tony says, I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee.
Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked
"Well", said Tony, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
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Stockbroker at lunch
Two stockbrokers went to lunch.
The one said to the other, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once."
"Good idea. Let's talk about women."
"Okay... common or preferred?"
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Volkswagen vs. Roll Royce
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
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