JokeJam.com
7/14/2003
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Coronary Surgery
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister.
" Do you have any close relatives then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
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Pamela Anderson
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms or lack thereof of Pamela Anderson.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one. "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs, that figure, and what have ya got?"
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh....
Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportioned to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.
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Hard to Fit
Tailored Clothes Morris had an excellent reputation for making clothes for men that were hard to fit....business was good.
One day a man was referred to Morris from a city far away.
The poor man had five (5) penises and it was impossible for him to buy ready made pants.
Morris assured the man that he, Morris the tailor, would solve the man's pants problem.
The man encouraged by Morris ordered 4 pair of dress pants and 2 pair of jeans.
Morris told the man to return in one week for the special made pants.
One week later...the man returned...went into the dressing room to try the pants.
Morris shouted through the door..." How do they fit?
““Marvelous", shouted back the happy customer...." They fit like a glove.”
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Old Age
Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called the hereafter.
She said to him, "I think about it many times a day."
"Oh, really?" Said the minister. "That is very wise."
It's not a matter of wisdom, she replied. It's when I open a drawer or a closet; I ask myself, "What am I here after???"
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Phone Thief
There was this burglar who broke into the AT&T consumer products warehouse and was filling his bags with various telephones when he heard police sirens getting nearer.
He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert was going on and hid among the horn sections.
The police wandered through but were unable to find him among the musicians...
He fit right in, having those Sacks O' Phones...
WD-40 literally stands for Water Displacement, 40th attempt.
That's the name straight out of the lab book used by the chemist Norm Larsen who developed WD-40 back in 1953!
What's the difference between anxiety and panic?
A: Anxiety is the first time you can't do it a second time, and Panic is the second time you can't do it the first time
Summer Camp
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
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