JokeJam.com
7/15/2003
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Love and Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"
Petmeds
True Story
Michael Anderson Godwin spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison.
While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
He should have known biting into live wires while sitting on metal will bite you in the ass every time.
Shower Time
There was a girl who needed to go take a shower, but her mom was in there already.
Her mother says, "You can take a shower with me if you don't look up or down."
The girl looks down and asks what is that?
Her mother says, "My grass."
Then she looks up and asks what those are.
Her mom says those are her headlights.
The next day she needs to take a shower, but her dad is in there.
Her dad says it's okay to come in, but don't look down!
She looks down and says, "What is that?"
Her dad says, "My snake."
That night, the girl has a bad dream and wants to go sleep with her parents. After she gets in bed with her parents she says, "Mommy! Mommy! Turn on your headlights because there is a snake in the grass!"
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JESUS!
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence....
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence.........
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
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Things that make you go Hmmm....
Why is it necessary to check into a hospital to be an out patient?
-Lawrence
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Feel my Socks
When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks.
"Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?"
She asked.
Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise.
She handed me the package, saying, "I like them."
Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me.
"Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."
"Instructions For Life"
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
If you had a stack of $1,000 bills in your hand only four inches (10.2 cm) high you would be a millionaire.
A trillion dollars would be a stack of $1,000 bills 67 miles (107.8 km) high.
To pay off the national debt in one payment we would need a stack of $1,000 bills over 300 miles
(482. 8 km) high!
When a devious fellow named Fleagle
Proceeded to marry his beagle,
He replied to the preacher,
"Yes, I do take this creature,"
While the dog said: "You're sure this is legal?"
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