JokeJam.com
7/16/2003
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Boy Meets Girl
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Petmeds
Forget world peace.
Visualize using your turn signal
Saddam Quickies
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive
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Meeting the Teacher
A backwoodsman dragged his protesting son to a new school which had just opened in a nearby village.
When they arrived, he took his son to see the teacher.
"Howdy," said the redneck. "This here's my son, Arthur. Now what kind of learnin' are you teachin'?"
"Oh, all the usual subjects," said the teacher, nodding at the boy. "Reading, writing, arithmetic, algebra, geometry, and trigonometry."
"Trigonometry!" Cried the delighted backwoodsman. "That's JUST what my boy needs. He's the worst darn shot in the family."
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Talking Frog
So this guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over and picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn back into a beautiful princess and then I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog piped up again and saying, "Hey, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it once again to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Come on... Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I work for a software company. I don't really have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is way cool."
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"Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.
I feel like I've just got to bite a cat!
I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy!
But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it.
That's what is known as real maturity."
- Snoopy
The song of the field cricket is temperature dependant; the tone and tempo drop with the drop in temperature.
Count the chirps in 13 seconds, add 40, and you will have the approximate temperature in degrees! (Multiply that number by (-32 x 5/9) and you will have Celsius)
Bible Story
"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"
"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep.
No miracle was involved."
"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"
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If You Pass Cars On Curve or Hill
If the Cops Don't Get You the Morticians Will
Burma Shave
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