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7/21/2003
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Before And After Falling In Love....
B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I'm suffocating
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence
B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - I love a woman with curves
A- I never said you were fat
B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing
B - Oysters
A - Fish sticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Petmeds
Wet
Blankets Throughout History
This 'telephone' has too
many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The
device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box
has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody
in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response
to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is
interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea
must be feasible."
A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight
delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
"Who the hell wants to
hear actors talk?"
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
The
best way to become a successful writer is to read good writing, remember it, and
then forget where you remember it from.
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
I Love
Her, But...
(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)
She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases
loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all
I can see is her butt.
She makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on the
list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake.
Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
You can hear her eat soup from the next room.
When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for
anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or
even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant,
things get pretty intense.
My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people
how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be
smarter than their dogs.
Every so often boom! She’s a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I
have no idea what her natural color is.
She’ll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not
afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any
fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
She’s stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a
natural blonde.
She takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
Have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face,
dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night,
knowing that creature is next to you?
My wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed
her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
She takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears
because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a
fictional affair.
She will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and
plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for
gifts for my mother.
It annoys her that our children look like me.
Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody’s always got
PMS.
With five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time
to notice her.
After sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes
open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to
defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning..."
In bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the
bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while
I'd like to be me.
She wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em
with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
She was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me
controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what
she'd have?
What’s mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T- shirts. When she's
cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used
razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch
to briefs just to see what she'd do.
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A good excuse...
A man was driving home
late at night.
He was also driving above the speed limit. He noticed a police car (with its
lights whirling) in his rear view mirror.
He says to himself, "I can outrun this guy." He floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy sighs out loud and gives up.
He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans
down and says, "Listen, mister. I've had a really lousy day and I just want to
go home.
Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a
police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you
were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
The officer let him go.
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What if...?
The woman's husband
had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by
his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad
luck."
Magician and the Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do
the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and
began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was
furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with
the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the
boat?
I
like to listen.
I have learned a great deal from listening carefully.
Most people never listen.
Ernest Hemingway
Lady and the Parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to
her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she
saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked
that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the
bird.
The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot
didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said," Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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