JokeJam.com
7/22/2003
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Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been
hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping
down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
"Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can
solve," he said.
Well, things went
along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was
really catching a lot of heat.
About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes.
He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet
of the previous CEO.
Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded
positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later,
the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious
product problems.
Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second
envelope.
The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several
consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult
times.
The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Petmeds
Getting Rid of Telemarketers
1. If they want to
loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use
some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is
it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out
with, "How are you today?" Say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say,
"I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all
these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with
telling about your problems.
3. If the person says
he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell their name, and then ask
them to spell the company name, and then ask them where it located. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as
necessary.
4. This one works
better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter
and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second."(Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a
really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in
well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise," Judy!!
Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", over and
over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as
they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they
hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying
to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a
voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs:
"Can you get blood out? Any kind of blood...?"
9. Let the person go
through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an
occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask
you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them
you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work
for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from
Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you
calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a
group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy
against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone.
As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or
scream, "Oh, my God!!!" And then hang up.
12. Tell the
Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will
call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then
ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is
usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).If the person
says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know
how I feel! Smiling of course... [If nothing else, just thinking of this list
the next time one calls you, you may begin to laugh out loud, which is sure to
upset their concentration.]
Perhaps no mightier conflict of mind occurs ever again in a lifetime than that first decision to unseat one's own tooth.
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
A letter to the IRS
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2002 Tax Return & payment.
Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and
NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value
$1,029).
This brings my total payment to $3,429.00.
Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See
attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.
I just saw an article about the Pentagon and screwdrivers."
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Love is a sensation
caused by a temptation;
to feel penetration;
a guy sticks his location;
in a girl's destination;
to increase the population;
for the next generation;
did you get my explanation;
or do you need a demonstration?
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What did the blonde do when she broke her Tupperware?
Called the plastic surgeon.
My ex-husband was
temperamental, 90% temper and 10% mental.
Secret for a long happy life
A woman walked up to a
little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help
noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy
life?"
"I smoke three packs
of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"
"That's amazing," the
woman said. "How old are you?"
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."
PLAYING WITH GRANDPA
A sister and brother
are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his
Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says,
"No."
The little boy goes
on, "Please ... please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No,
now go play."
The little boy then
says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl
goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I
just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says,
"Please ... please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why
do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl
replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"
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