JokeJam.com
7/23/2003
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Buying a Bull
Two sisters, one
blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after
just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances
their checkbook, and then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another
ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she
tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives
at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.
The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram
to tell her the news.
She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator
explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a
word."
Well, after paying for
the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a
few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word,
'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator
shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the
trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains,
"My sister's blonde." "She'll read it very slow."
Petmeds
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.
Find Me a Cure Doc!
The doctor tells his
patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news."
Linda asks for the
good news first.
"Well, the test
results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from
Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?"
Linda asks.
To which the Doc
replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
ADVICE FOR YANKEES MOVING SOUTH
1. Save all manner of
bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you
can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. ..... Stay home the two days of
the year it snows.
3. If you do run your
car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a
12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them.
Just stay out of their way. ..... This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised
to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all"
is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to
hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried
that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
8. Northerners can be
identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from
yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling
at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the
road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John
Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a
Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are
likely the last words he will ever say.
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What did the blonde do when she broke her Tupperware?
Called the plastic surgeon.
Clearance Items!
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Wet Blankets Throughout History
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper."
Gary Cooper on his decision not to
take the leading role in "Gone with the Wind."
"A cookie store is a
bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy
cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of
starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their
sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. Rejecting the
Beatles, 1962.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
"Anytime four New
Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken
place."
- Johnny Carson
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the
drops of blood form on your forehead.
Good News - Bad News
Malborn sat in his
attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" The
lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news
first."
"Your wife found a
picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad
news?" Asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your
mistress."
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