JokeJam.com
7/25/2003
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OLD TIMES
Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest
one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her
and extended his hand in greeting, saying,
"You look like Helen Brown."
"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"
Petmeds
SILLY STATE MOTTOS
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be
Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't
Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have
More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't
Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It...Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The
Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our
Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka
Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't
Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal
Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle
States
Kentucky: Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk
Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We
Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are
Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense
From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood
Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The
Unibomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State
Motto Contest
Nevada: Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave
Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##!
Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make
Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To
Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A
Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No
Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's
What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook with Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the
Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North
Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak
English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than
Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says
Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun
By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy
Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!
Blonde Moments!
Terri, a blonde woman
who had been unemployed for many months finally got a job with Public Works.
This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a
rural road using a paint brush.
The supervisor told
her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum
of 2 miles per day of lines.
Terri agrees and
starts right away.
The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the blonde had
completed 4 miles, double the required average.
The next day, however, he was very disappointed to find that Terri only
accomplished 2 miles.
The Supervisor
thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll
just keep quiet."
The third day, Terri only did 1 mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to
her before this gets worse."
The boss called Terri
in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and
yesterday only 1 mile. Why?
Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure?
What's keeping you
from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"
Terri replied, "Well,
each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket."
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SON-IN-LAW
A very successful
businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much
we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law
interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the
father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of
the operations."
"I hate office work,"
said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said
the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization,
but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do
with you?"
"Easy," said the young
man. "Buy me out."
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MEN
-- HAVING PROBLEMS WITH YOUR SPOUSE?
This letter was
started by men, like yourself, in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and
discontented men.
Unlike most chain letters this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of
this letter to five friends who are equally discontented and tired.
Then bundle up your Wife, Girlfriend, or Significant Other and send her to the
man whose name appears at the top of the list.
When your name comes
to the top of the list you will receive 16,277 women! And one of them is bound
to be a helluva lot better than the one you already have.
Bear in mind, though, that someone has sent her to you, and be careful.
Don't break the
Chain!!! Have Faith!!!
One man broke the
chain and got his own bitch back (with her mother).
At this writing, a
friend of mine has already received 184 women. The strain killed him.
They buried him
yesterday. It took three morticians to get the smile off his face and two days
to tie down his penis so they could close the coffin!
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Top
Seven Signs You Are On A Bad Cruise!!
7. Your entire cruise
is spent in Nebraska.
6. The captain
frequently comes below decks to ask if anyone wants to share a kegger with him
and the crew.
5. Shore excursions
include scuba diving in New York's glorious East River.
4. "Welcome to the
dinner show. I'm Chris, your featured ventriloquist. Unfortunately, my
dummy is a mute, but he is learning sign language, so if you'll bear with me
here..."
3. That unexpected
supply stop in Columbia for 2 tons of "icing sugar"
2. Dinner the first
night: Dolphin Baby Surprise
1. The medical officer
assures you the boat is "87% SARS-free".
The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry
about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment
wisely and earnestly.
Buddha
Did you hear about
the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on
the tailpipe.
What's five miles
long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.
To a blonde, what
is long and hard?
Grade 4.
Wet Blankets Throughout History
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society,
1895.
"So we went to Atari
and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your
parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We
just want to do it. Pay our salary; we'll come work for you.' And they said,
'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need
you. You haven't even got through college yet.'"
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs
on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.
"Professor Goddard
does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have
something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the
basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
1921 New York Times editorial about
Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"Drill for oil? You
mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to
enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
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