JokeJam.com
7/28/2003
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POLITICALLY CORRECT INSULTS
Ever want to call someone stupid,
but want to do it in a way that is politically correct?
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in artificial stupidity
A few beers short of a six pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One taco short of a combination plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off his cracker
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Sky light leaks a little
Slinky's kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too much yardage between the goal posts
Petmeds
The
Disappearing Man
A man left work one
Friday afternoon.
But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife
stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't
see me for 2 or 3 days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little
out of the corner of his left eye.
I
See...
A pretty woman,
carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street
when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing
nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says,
"And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
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Crash in the desert
A small aircraft crash
lands in the middle of the desert and the pilot and copilot wandered around for
days and days with nothing to eat.
Finally the co-pilot
announced:
"I'm so hungry, I'm
going to chop off my dick and eat it."
"NO, no, don't do
that," the pilot urged.
"Just think of your
girlfriend."
"What's the point?"
The other man said.
"At this rate I will
never see her again anyway."
"I don't mean it like
that," the pilot replied. "It's just that if you think of her first, hopefully
there will be enough for the both of us."
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The Compassionate Golfer!
Two men are playing a
round of golf one sunny afternoon. The bet was $1,000 per stroke. The game was
fiercely competitive and there was no great love lost between the two.
Upon reaching the green of the twelfth hole, something odd happened.
One of the golfers approached his ball which lay on the very edge of the green.
He eyed its preferred path to the hole and prepared to commence forward with his
shot.
All of a sudden he paused; held his head in acute alertness and turned toward
the road just outside the Course's fenced boundary. A rather lengthy funeral
procession was about to pass by.
The golfer removed his hat and crossed it over his heart, bowing his head
sorrowfully.
The procession lasted nearly ten minutes and the golfer didn't move until the
last car passed. He then promptly placed his hat back atop his head, bent over
his ball and knocked it straight into the cup nearly 75 feet away.
The second golfer stood in utter amazement.
He wiped a tear from his eye and shouted from the fairway, "No matter how the
shot turned out, that, my old friend, was the greatest display of pure
sportsmanship I have ever witnessed.
You showed respect and compassion for the passing of another human life and took
time out of your favorite game to do so, even with the risk that the break in
concentration may have cost you $1000."
The second golfer
nodded and said, "Yes. We would have been married for 35 years tomorrow. I
sure am going to miss her."
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Making Babies
A second grader came
home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We
learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that
a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting,"
she said,
"How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied
the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
White Collar Crime
The stockbroker was
nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said,
"I'm in here for a
white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a
relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider
trading. How about you?"
"Oh, nothing fancy
like," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."
Little Johnny was in trouble again.....
He was charged with
the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable,
the state's evidence was overwhelming.
As a last desperate
move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little
Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and
gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot
believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated
he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let
alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped
Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
Saddam and His Chauffeur
Saddam Hussein and his
chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing
the road. They killed it instantly.
Saddam tells his
driver: "Go to the farm over there and explain to the owner of the pig what
happened."
Half an hour later,
Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, a bottle of wine in one hand
and a cigar in the other.
"What happened to
you?" He asks.
"Well, the farmer gave
me a cigar and his wife gave me the bottle of wine."
"My God! What did you
tell them?" Asked President Hussein.
The driver answered:
"Good evening. I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
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