JokeJam.com
7/29/2003
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Tough Teacher
A schoolteacher
injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his
body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of
the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with deskwork.
When a strong breeze
made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Needless to say, he
had no more trouble with his students that term.
Petmeds
Wet Blankets Throughout History
"I think there's a
world market for about five computers."
Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the
Board, IBM.
"The bomb will never
go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb
Project.
"This fellow Charles
Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed."
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation
enthusiast.
"Stocks have reached
what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics,
Yale University, 1929.
Lucky Frog
A man takes the day
off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about
to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around
and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog
and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10
inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" The man asks. "Ribbit 3
wood."
The guy takes out a 3
wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to
say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit
Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you
think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the
heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his
winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit
Kiss Me."
He figures why not, especially after all that the frog has done for him, he
deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that,
Hilary, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God. Or my name is not
William Jefferson Clinton."
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Double Talking Dentist
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good grief!" He said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen --
the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" Replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something
like that twice."
"I didn't!" Said the dentist.
"That was the echo."
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INVOICE ADVICE
The businessman was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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Movie Fun!
Steven Spielberg was
busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce.
"I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?"
Asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" Said Sly.
"And what about you?"
Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said
Arnold.
Creative Dueling
In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man.
The large man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the
thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with
a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his
opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't
count."
Magic Question
What's the most
important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
What time will your
husband get home?
Nurse?
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr Jones, I'm only here to
wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so
marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted.
She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his
penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the
bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results
back???"
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