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7/30/2003
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Dog
Logic
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he
is lost. So wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now." Then he noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was
one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, Monkey, hop on my
back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,"
What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers
pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey?
I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he's still not back!!"
Petmeds
Aggressive Drunk
A completely
inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only
woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and
began fondling her.
She jumped up and
slapped him silly.
He immediately
apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look
exactly like her."
"Why you drunken,
worthless, insufferable asshole!" She screamed.
"Funny," he muttered,
"you even sound exactly like her."
The Priest and the
Politician
A parish priest was
being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that
parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand,"
he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken.
However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I
heard here.
I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the
officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of
business.
I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had,
indeed come to, a fine parish full of under-standing and loving people."
Just as the priest
finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the
first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In
fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
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One-liners
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What do you call two Mexicans playing
basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley
and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica
Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough
Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians
and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
What's the difference between a
boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Question
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't
had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any
soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was
walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have
some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never
say we don't have something.
If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she
wanted?"
The clerk smiled and said... "Rain..."
What's the difference
between a brown-noser and a shit-head?
Depth perception.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer’s
research currently.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with Perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
PICKUP LINES
"Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?"
"Is it hot in here or is that just you?"
"If I follow you home...will you keep me?”
"There must be something wrong with my eyes; I can't take them off you."
"Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes."
"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
"I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"
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