JokeJam.com
7/31/2003
This is a humor and jokes list that brings you jokes daily - Generally Clean Jokes - but some might be a bit off color - no really dirty jokes
Help us Grow our Jokes List!
Tell others about
JokeJam.com
Feel Free to Forward this to your Friends and Family
Quiz
These little simple questions are harder
than you think
It just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of
life.
Put your thinking caps on.
Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE No cheating!
No looking around!
No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
Can you beat 18?? (The average is 7)
Write down your answers (#'s 1 to 30)
and check the answers AFTER completing all the questions.
1. On a standard traffic light,
is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there?
(Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of
Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the
classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two letters don't appear
on the telephone dial? (No
cheating!)
6. What two numbers on the
telephone dial don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left
arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a
standard pack?
9. On the United States flag is
the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on
the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down
the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking"
sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV
dial?
14. Which side of a women's
blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New
York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop
sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered
pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a
standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a
standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy,
Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in
a standard package?
25. On which playing card is the
cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian
blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a $1 bill,
what I s in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a
touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
29. How many curves are there in
the standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn
counter or clockwise?
Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions:
The answers are down the page from here.
Petmeds
Comparing Notes
Two cuties were
comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said, "He
took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels.
There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of
six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." Said
the second young thing.
"Well... yes." The
first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me
to behave like a rabbit."
Because I am a MAN......
Because I'm a man... when one of
our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence
that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man... when the car
isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I
know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the
other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." Then we will drink beer.
Because I'm a man... when I catch
a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed
and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man... I must hold
the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by clutching a calculator.
Because I'm a man... I don't
think we're lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. How the
heck would a complete stranger know where we're going?
Because I'm a man... there is no
need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is either sex or food, and
it's a pain to have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man... I am capable
of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single
time I say it, right up until the bar closes.
Because I'm a man... I do not
want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her
when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for Mother's Day is just fine, I don't need to see it, and don't forget to pick
up something for MY mom, too, because I don't have the slightest idea what to
get her.
Because I'm a man... you don't
have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man... I think what
you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was
fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man... and this is,
after all, the 21st Century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do
the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll take care of the
yard and the car!
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
Buy Me a Drink
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him
a drink.
"Why of course", comes
the reply.
The first man then
asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland",
replies the second man.
The first man
responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Lets have another round to
Ireland."
"Of course", replies
the second man.
Curious, the first man
then asks: "Wherein Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the
reply.
"I can't believe it",
says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies
the second man.
Curiosity again
strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's",
replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is
unbelievable", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in
'62, too!"
About that time in
comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going
on?" He asks the bartender.
"Nothing much",
replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
10% Lower than Amazon.com on over 1 Million Books! Plus, Free Shipping!
Buy.com 10%
Lower Than Amazon.com On All Books - Over 1 Million Titles! Plus, Free Shipping!
(Expiration TBD)
Bachelor Food Storage Guide
Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because they don't
have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac
has become one with the special sauce.
FREEZER FOODS: ICE CREAM - If you
can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time
to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that
have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer
compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry
them out with a kitchen knife.
IN THE FRIDGE: EGGS - When
something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its
prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled
when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look
like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can
dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
MEAT - If opening the
refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block radius to congregate
outside your house, toss the meat.
LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled
when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet and
a brillo pad. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never
spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you
violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.
CARROTS - A carrot you can tie a
clove hitch in is no longer fresh.
CHIP DIP - If you can take it out
of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is
well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the
food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open
them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost its label, it's
probably done.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty
containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if
you live with someone else.
ON THE SHELF: CANNED GOODS - Any
canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed
of ... Very carefully.
WINE - Should not be confused
with salad dressing.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not
have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST - Anything that
makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself
last night).
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most
food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a
hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy
seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the
surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that
your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish
to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL: It is generally a good
rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer
beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by
itself.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it
wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
PRETZELS: Normally eternal,
pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling
apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the
Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
RAISINS: Raisins should not
usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils. However,
if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in
order, as fresh salt usually pours.
SPICES: Most spices cannot die,
they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your
will.
VINEGAR: If your grandmother made
it, it is probably still good.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a
marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll
spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to
replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Enjoy the Sun
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his
chance to get some sun.
All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops.
"You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one
right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.
"You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by.
She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mister", she says, "Have you ever been Screwed?"
"No", he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache.
Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache.
ANSWERS TO QUIZZ
1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you got this one!)
3.
Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
7. Right
8. 20
9. Red
10. 88
11. Counter (north of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Left
15. Top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 8
24. Did you notice there wasn't one?
25. Ace of spades
26. Left
27. ONE
28. *, #
29. 3
30. Counter
Wet Blankets Throughout History
"Airplanes are
interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor
of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Man will never reach
the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the
vacuum tube and father of television.
"Everything that
can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S.
Office of Patents, 1899.
JokeJam Jokes Mailing List
Get Jokes in the mail 5 days a week
Click to subscribe to JokeJam
Tell others about
JokeJam.com
Great
Credit Card Site
Order
Viagra
On Line
Cheap Drugs
When You do
not have a Prescription
Dirt Cheap Drugs
When You do
have a Prescription
If you need to contact JokeJam.com - this is a
safe link - your email address will not be posted on the internet.
Search Buy.com
UNSUBSCRIBE
JokeJam Jokes List is an automatic list -to unsubscribe - send email or reply from this
email to
mailto:JokeJam-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Be sure to use the same email address that you subscribed with
Then you will need to reply to the email yahoogroups sends you.
Copyright 2003
JokeJam.com. All Rights reserved. Permission is granted for noncommercial
distribution of JokeJam jokes list as long as
this full copyright notice is included, including subscription information.
JokeJam is not the author of the jokes, humor,
and other content
posted to this list, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to
them except for those humor bits we write. We assume them to be in the public
domain.
googtoot
Everything below this line is put in by Yahoo and is NOT a sponsor of
JokeJam.com