JokeJam.com
8/01/2003
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The
Three Turtles
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.
So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.
The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole
days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and
says, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. 'I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. "Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?"
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from
home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly
refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go,
swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho.
Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting
restless.
"I NEED FOOD!" He says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass and the two are near starvation. Near death, the two turtles
weakly lift the lid to get a sandwich. As they open their mouths to eat, Poncho
pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for that, I'm not going!"
Petmeds
Nuns Test
There are 3 nuns and a mother superior.
The mother superior tells the 3 nuns before they can receive their saint name,
they had one final test.
She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.
After the 3 nuns
return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your sins?"
They all shake their heads yes.
The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling.
The mother superior
says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"
The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten; I picked
flowers from someone's garden."
The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be all right."
The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter.
The mother superior
asks the 2nd one.
Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven."
The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing.
The mother superior is
disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in
the Holy water."
One-liners
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are
all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they
have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a
porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found
out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts
and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What does it mean when the flag at the
Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern
zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along
with... "A recipe".
What's the difference between a northern
fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
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Blonde Moments!
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what
Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we
give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange
gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell
me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival
of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was
betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died.
Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and
Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
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Questions
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these
dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's
behind looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp
which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't
he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to
their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to
look you know where anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just
buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then
what is baby oil made from?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but
when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the
universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere,
you have to touch it to make sure.
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Women Drivers
My name is Bob.
Driving to my office this morning on New Mexico Interstate 40 near Central &
Tramway, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand
new Corvette, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye
makeup.
I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway
over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme
out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my
Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS,
ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!
Sunday School Findings
A man's son was about four years old when one day he got home from Sunday
School.
His Dad asked him what he'd learned that day.
The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, 'Dad, have any of the men in our
family had their penises criticized?'"
The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised" -- but the answer
was still "yes."
Blonde Moments!
A blonde walks into a salon wearing headphones and asks for a hair cut.
The hair dresser tells
her she has to remove the headphones.
The blonde replies, "I can't remove them or I'll die."
The hair dresser sighs and decides to cut around them.
After a few minutes, the hair dresser tells the blonde again,
"Look, you have to
take the headphones off so I can cut your hair."
The blonde still insists that if she does, she'll die.
Once again the stylist tries to cut around the head phones.
Frustrated, she tells the blonde, "I'm taking the headphones off, I can't cut
your hair with them on."
Before the blonde has a chance to reply, the stylist rips the headphones off and
the blonde falls to the floor dead.
Curious and devastated, the stylist wonders what was on the headphones that
would cause this poor girl to die without them.
She picks them up and listens, "Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale..."
Farmer in Trouble
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge
of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't
know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a
great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts
when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I
saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope until a juror in
overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do
that."
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