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11/27/2003
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Butterball Turkey Talk Line
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk Line staff has had their share of
memorable calls inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're
heartwarming or amusing.
It's hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving
turkey on the engine of his truck ("Will it cook faster if I drive faster?"),
but some of these come pretty close.
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball
Turkey Talk Line. While preparing the turkey, her
Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body
cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the
bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After
calming the woman down, the Talk Line home economist suggested carefully cutting
the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the
daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "Turkey Central" for
turkey grilling tips while waiting to
tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How
do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk Line staffer explained that fresh
turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the
"Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner
and called the Talk Line a year ahead of
time for turkey tips.
Happy Thanksgiving, President Bush! A Southern woman called to comment, "On
Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey
Talk Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off,
but the Talk Line staff can't." (The Butterball Turkey Talk Line is open
Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1 800 323 4848 to find out
how long it would take to roast her
turkey. To answer the question, the Talk Line home economist asked how
much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running
around outside."
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving
without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know
how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian
menu.
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by
scrubbing her bird with bleach.
Afterward, she called the Talk Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To
her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
A young girl called on behalf of her mother who
needed roasting advice. To
provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the
turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied,
"Medium."
A novice turkey cooking chef wanted to
know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed
before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home
economist responded, "Yes," then offered complete roasting directions.
Petmeds
The Truth About Thanksgiving
This week America celebrates the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as it is known
outside the United States, "Thursday."
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly afterwards
remember why they separated.
Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school
system will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days
surcease from education.
The students are pretty happy about the long weekend vacation, too.
Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers to allow
them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in
his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash.
The average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert
mud into a plant without bothering to change its texture.
Attempts to improve the mud like flavor of squash by the addition of delicate
seasonings and spices have produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately
seasoned and spiced mud.
A master chef, faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would
throw in his funny hat and become a short order cook at Denny's.
Thanksgiving makes every November
A time to give thanks and remember ...
Unless you're the Tom
That the meat's taken from -
Then already you've reached your December!
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Abraham Lincoln's 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation
It is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the
overruling power of God; to confess their sins and transgressions in humble
sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and
pardon; and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and
proven by all history, that those nations are blessed whose God is the Lord.
Know that by His divine law, nations, like individuals, are subjected to
punishments and chastisements in this world. May we not justly fear that the
awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be a punishment
inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national
reformation as a whole people?
We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of heaven; we have been
preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in numbers,
wealth and power as no other nation has ever grown.
But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved
us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly
imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were
produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with
unbroken success, we have become too self sufficient to feel the necessity of
redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that God should be solemnly, reverently and
gratefully acknowledged, as with one heart and one voice, by the whole American
people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United
States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign
lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November as a day of
Thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens.
Abe Lincoln, October 3, 1863.
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If you see someone without a smile,
give them one of yours!
What did the turkey do in the
Thanksgiving Day Parade?
He played his drumsticks!
The Indians of the eastern United States
had a particular liking for meats served with fruit sauces.
The ripening of cranberries and the Thanksgiving holiday coincide, which is one
reason why cranberry relish is traditionally served with roast turkey.
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