JokeJam.com
7/7/2003
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Trivia
1) According to Guiness Brewing Company, facial hair is responsible for an
incredible amount of wasted beer. They estimate that as many as _____ pints of
their beer are trapped in mustaches and wiped away every year.
A. 8,000
B.13,000
C. 69,000
D. 162,000
2) Supreme Physisist Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of what country
in 1952?
A. United States
B. Austria
C. Belgium
D. Israel
3) Name this metal which costs about $500 per troy ounce and is immune to acids
or aqua regia. Its salts are highly colored, giving rise to its name, which is
Latin for rainbow.
A. Gold
B. Platinum
C. Osmium
D. Iridium
Answers at the end of this mail.....
Petmeds
A letter to the IRS
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2003 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached
article from the USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and
NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value
$1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment
of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return.
Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See
attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and
I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the
Pentagon and scewdrivers."
Fridge Dreams
Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her
husband (he wouldn't go with her).
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's
a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are
somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see
doctor it is also a problem for me!
Morris sleeps with his mouth open and his little light keeps me awake!"
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I'm suffocating
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence
B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - I love a woman with curves
A- I never said you were fat
B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing
B - Oysters
A - Fish sticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
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Mother at home
Salesman at the door: Is your mother at home?
Little Johnny: Yes.
Sales man: May I talk to her?
Little Johnny: She isn't here.
Salesman: But you just said she was at home.
Little Johnny: She is. This isn't our house.
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I like to listen. I have learned a great
deal
from listening carefully. Most people never listen.
- Ernest Hemingway
Vasectomy Today
This guy goes to the
doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and
he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.
The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo
before. What's the story?"
To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"
Answers:
1) 162,000 pints
2) Israel
3) Iridium
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