JokeJam.com
7/8/2003
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Buying cards
In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our
anniversary.
The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began relating a
story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right
anniversary greeting.
Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if
she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.
"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will believe."
Petmeds
The Challenge
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher
all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Mich U in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that
hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day
experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it..............
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss
the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches,
and has various bandages goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey
wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to
rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to
do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and,
THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot
next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs
in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims,
"WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's
HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. SAY NO! He wanted
NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We
rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick.
So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he
wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on
God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body
cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi
looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise
one of those creatures."
Handyman
A handyman, who was working for a synagogue in Allentown,PA, asked for a raise
and was flatly refused.
So, he quit his job and went out searching for work.
First, he went to a Baptist church.
The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer
one question.
"Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked.
The handyman answered, "Pittsburgh," and was promptly thrown out.
He then went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he
would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the priest asked.
"Philadelphia," the handyman answered. Again, he was thrown out.
As he continued his search, he met up with the rabbi who happened to be looking
for him.
"I've been looking everywhere for you," exclaimed the rabbi. "The board has
approved your raise. Please, come back immediately."
"I will come back," the handyman replied, "but only if you answer one question.
Where was Jesus born?"
"Bethlehem," the rabbi replied.
"Aha!" cried the handyman. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania!"
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TIPS ON HOME
PROTECTION
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting
a few signs in well-placed locations.
#1. Dear Mr. Butcher; Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for
Brutis. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
#2. Dear Mr. Mailman; We found blood stains all over our mail. They must be
yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all
parts of your body well clear of all openings.
PS. Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle
Cats"?
#3. Selma; Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
#4. Dear Mr. Exterminator; Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have
eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where
all of the rats are!
#5. To whom it may concern; Some of the items in this house have been engraved
with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode
when touched. Good luck
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Tobacco giant Philip Morris has been running
ads recently to try to change their image as a big meanie, including some in
which they stress how hard they work to keep cigarettes out of the hands of
teenagers.
Their new slogan: "Working to Make a Difference"
The Top 15 Other Ways Philip Morris is "Working to Make a Difference"
15. Virginia Slims cigarette paper now ribbed for her pleasure.
14. Quality programming for kids provided by new "Nick-o-Teen"
cable network.
13. Hiring O.J. Simpson's detectives to find "the real killers" of smokers.
12. Launching of the Chinese "Joe Panda" campaign.
11. Buying up all existing copies of "The Insider" and donating them to
deserving children from Borneo and Tibet.
10. "Marlboro Miles" can no longer be used to purchase Pokemon products.
9. For every 1,000 cartons sold, 1 carton donated to the American Cancer
Society.
8. "Benson & Hedges" brand renamed to more kid-friendly "Calvin & Hobbes."
7. For poor people who can't afford to eat *and* smoke, free cigarette included
in Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes.
6. New slogan: "Cigarettes don't kill people -- GUNS kill people!"
5. Considering a campaign to keep cigarettes out of the hands of pregnant
mothers.
4. Investing millions in ad campaign: "A Big Mac?!?!? Christ, that'll REALLY
kill ya!!"
3. Raleigh's new William Morris Park paved with tar exhumed from Yul Brynner's
lungs.
2. Bribes for politicians now wrapped in 100% recycled envelopes.
And the Number 1 Other Way Philip Morris is "Working to Make a Difference:"
1. New ad campaign for 2003: "You don't have to smoke just because all the
really cool kids do."
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
Q: What do men and sperm
have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Did you hear about the
guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?
A: Every time he sits down, Quebec separates!
Condom: Home for retired semen.
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