JokeJam.com
7/10/2003
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Lawyers v. The Bear
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers
and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to
outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Petmeds
Below are some of the signs carried by protesters at the recent Peace March in DC:
* A village in Texas is missing its idiot!
* Drunken frat boy drives country into ditch.
* Let's bomb Texas-- they have oil, too.
* If you can't pronounce it, don't bomb it.
* Daddy, can I start the war now?
* Preemptive impeachment.
* It's the economy, stupid.
* Disarm Bush too.
* Big brother isn't coming -- he's already here.
* Mainstream white guys for peace. (Sign held by three mainstream-looking white
guys)
* Let Exxon send their own troops.
* Destroy Florida. [It could happen again]
* There's a terrorist behind every Bush.
* We can't afford to rule the world.
* War is so 20th century!
* Drop Bush not bombs.
* I asked for universal health care and all I got was this lousy stealth bomber.
* America's problems won't be solved in Iraq.
* War is not a family value.
* Picture of the peace symbol: back by popular demand.
* A picture of Bush saying "Why should I care what the American people think?
They didn't vote for me."
* A picture of Bush saying "Ask me about my lobotomy."
* What would Jesus bomb?
Working by Candlelight
Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace.
Mozart composed by candlelight.
Galileo invented by oil lamp.
Didn't they ever think to do their work during the daytime?
---Jersey Tomato
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Bonehead award
Award goes to a wannabe Los Angeles, California, bank robber who, having
taken hostages during a bungled robbery, gave up when he came to realize that,
one by one, all his hostages escaped through the front door and the bathroom
window.
"He was on the phone, kind of looked around, and realized he had no hostages,"
said Sgt. David Nater.
Associated Press 30-Jan-02
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These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty and so is
your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
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Replacements for the French National Anthem
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's Fool" by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi
Fart
A couple traveling cross
country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas.
While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a
local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter.
As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard
by a human.
The tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am...I
didn't know we was a takin' turns."
Is Barney the Dinosaur the Devil?
Everyone knows Barney,... that cute purple dinosaur. But here's something that
you may not know:
1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman Numerals:
CV V L DI V
4. Convert these into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5. Add these numbers up:
100
5
5
50
500
1
+ 5
----
666
There you have it . . . mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!
The Differences Between Men and Women
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar
of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes
and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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