JokeJam.com
7/11/2003
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Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear go to Heaven
Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven.
They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of
many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get
into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean
thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into
hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long.
So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind.
About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells
"Tits!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell.
St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the lives
of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get
into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean
thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into
Hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans
over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.
Petmeds
Doll
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first
time.
Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty
baby and baby buggy you have.
Where did you get your baby and what did
it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."
"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little
doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's
started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much
did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost
about $5,000.""
The two little girls were stunned.
The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.
Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't
know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!
Optician
Young Jimmy had to go to the optician's to have his eyes tested.
During the test the optician asked Jimmy to put his right hand over his right
eye. This caused a certain amount of confusion in the young boy. "Well Ok," said
the optician.
"Put your left hand over your right eye." It didn't help. Jimmy was getting more
flustered by the minute. "Put any hand over any eye," said the optician in
exasperation.
With this Jimmy became so totally confused that he froze in the chair.
An idea struck the optician and he went into the back room and cut a hole in an
empty cornflakes packet roughly where he thought young Jimmy's eye ought to be.
Back in his surgery he slipped the packet over the boy's head. Jimmy began to
sob uncontrollably.
"What's the matter? the optician asked.
Jimmy replied through the sobs: "I wanted a gold rimmed pair like my brother
got!"
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Bonehead award
Award goes to two North Carolina burglars who, amongst other stolen items,
took tickets to an upcoming basketball game from a home, according to police who
arrested the two men in those ticket's seats at the basketball game.
The Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN) 3-Feb-02
Q: What's the difference
between a fighter pilot and a
jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
The secret of health for both mind and body
is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but
to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.
- Buddha
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