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Coffee and Viagra
An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her
physician to ask his help in reviving her
husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even
taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later, but when she rang up the doctor, who directly
inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid!
Just terrible, Doctor."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee,
didn't I?
The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up,
with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants
a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there,
making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
"Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. "Do you mean
the sex was not good?"
"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was great – terrific
marvelous!!
Indeed,'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years.
But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Over the counter drugs
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do
you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
Viagra Quickies
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra
prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price.
His wife, who was with him,
had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all
night.
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little
tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen
in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.
If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If
that doesn't work, see a doctor!
A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt
pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.
We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake
tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up
straight and tall.
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute
ride.
Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to
spin around and point north.
A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the
residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, "SUPER
SEX! Super Sex!"
The ladies yelled back: "I want the SOUP!", "Soup, Please."
"Oh, I'd love some soup!"
The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The
Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.
New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.
Viagra in Spanish, we're told, is "viejos agradecidos" or "greated old guys"
(sic).
Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.
The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.
Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put Viagra in
the thermometer?"
Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston
bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm".
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took
twelve pills and his wife died.
Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a
week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."
Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.
Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the
Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.
New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full
of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.
For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make
them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!
It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the
same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward.
A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two
'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.
Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra
caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close his coffin lid for 3
days.
Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra
overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business
Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and
suffered from a stiff neck.
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
Viagra as a diet pill
One morning a long-wed couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says:
"Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast...
eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry; the Viagra takes away my appetite."
Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for
you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite
ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."
The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra."
Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix
a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."
The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."
The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of
me!!!"
In the Restraurant
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest
in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and
tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the
doctor's.
She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you
suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and
dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right
there on the table.'
The doctor says, 'I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The
foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.'
'Naah...' she says, 'that's okay. We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant
anyway.'
Sex Pills
There once was a man who
could not keep it going with his wife.
He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills.
There was a label on the
bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night."
The man thought that he
wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.
In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the
porch crying.
"What's wrong?" they said.
The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant,
my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"
New Drugs to be Developed
Below is a list of new drugs users of Viagra have requested the makers of
Viagra develop.
VIAGRA-SKI
Wonderful for those who have a hard time getting up on water-skis.
Forty-five minutes after taking it, you'll get up and stay up, out of the
water.
DIRECTRA
A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72
percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a
control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA
Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish
a household repair project before starting anew one.
CHILDAGRA
Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more
child-care tasks especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents".
COMPLIMENTRA
In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug
noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see
if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA
Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their
sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two
days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA
Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical
trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA
This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised
sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLYAGRA
This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open
Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA
About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an
irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note:
Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
Cheap Viagra
Viagra can now be purchased at a huge discount under its generic name.
Just ask your doctor or chemist for the generic Viagra known as:
Mycoxaflopin.
Death of Viagra User
A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into
his private parts.
The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss
the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the
only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra
large coffin or to amputate his member."
"Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my
religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave:
He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in
which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still
be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly
agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket.
As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop
of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all
the world like a teardrop.
The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless
husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it
hurts!"
Viagra Extra Strength
A man walks into a drug store and says to the Pharmacist behind the counter,
'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls
at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'
The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes
out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and
says, 'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'
Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'
The next day the man walks into the same drug store, right up to the same
Pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he
notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging
off in some places.
The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'
The Pharmacist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on
that are you?'
The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.' |
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