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Signs you
spend too much time with your e-mail
Your children are named Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your
child in the overhead compartment.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word
processor. COM
You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it.
The Smoking Power Supply
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....
Nerd Season
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers.
The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
Software Development Cycle
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.
1 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2 Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3 Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4 Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5 See 3.
6 See 4.
7 See 5.
8 See 6.
9 See 7.
10 See 8.
11 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12 Users find 137 new bugs.
13 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Super Computer Physician
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer.
The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it.
After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample.
He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample.
He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
Right Click
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Saddam Hussein
BAGHDAD, IRAQ- April 23, 1997 - Saddam Hussein today announced his pledge to fight terrorism, starting with "the fool who crashed my 286 with junk e-mail spam". The iron fisted leader went on to state that it took nearly five years to scavenge the countryside for stray computer parts "just to get on the net." After months of receiving busy signals from America Off Line, Saddam was finally able to negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail message. But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace's spam puking Cyber-Bomber Program.
The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails such as "Get Rich Quick", "Internet Porno Site Adverts", etc., etc... The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam's 120 MB hard drive simply crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace has got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will have nowhere to hide.
Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total agreement with Saddam's decree.
Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all e-mails).
Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No further details were given in regards to further research and development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation.
Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment.
God as a Computer Programmer
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email
South African Edition of Windows 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on an Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver.
New Features:
OK = samblief
Cancel = Aikona
Undo = auk! mistake!
Redo = aikona, not mistake!
Save = Ekke ek bere hom
find = Ekke ek soek hom
help = ah dunno
start = stat
settings = (pre-set on this edition)
run = hamba
personal folder = my thieengs
Shut Down = Chaila
Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98"
MS Werd = a word processor
calculata = calculator
scratch peppa = notepad
Jive Box = CD player
I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer
piktchas = a graphics viewer
Stockvel = M/S accounting software
Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of
local off-sales and their prices.
Black Label tax records = usually an empty file
Fafi = game replacing Solitaire
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Confidence Runneth Over
At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off." |
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