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Guy at the Whorehouse
This guy goes
to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy
walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed,
bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He
knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
Please Shave
that Cowboy!
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said,
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest,
most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine
his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you’re working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
Making Cakes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?”
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?”
Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".
Pumpkin Fucker
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
FIRST OPERATION
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't
walk for a year!"
A Serious Medical Condition
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry you’re Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Moth Exterminator
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"
She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
Shooting
the Bull
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Sex Talk
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied,
"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."
Delirious
Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?
You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.
Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.
When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.
Jewish one liner
How do you say "fuck you" in Jewish?
Trust me. Two Leprechauns
Two leprechauns have a bet.
To settle their bet, they take it to a convent.
Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! It's a
leprechaun!"
The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a
question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"
"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."
"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland that are my size?"
"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."
"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in the entire world
that are my size?"
"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that
are your size!"
"Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through
the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you fucked a penguin!" |
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