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Bottles and Bombs
3 men board a plane with beer bottles.
They are Italian, Spanish, and Irish.
They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle.
They fly to Spain, and drop a bottle.
They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb.
They fly back to Italy and they see a little boy crying.
"Little boy why are you crying" they ask.
"Because my daddy got hit in the head with a beer bottle"
They fly to Spain and they see a little girl crying.
"Little girl why are you crying" they ask.
"Because my mommy got hit in the head with a beer bottle".
They fly to Ireland and see a little boy laughing hysterically.
"Little boy why are you laughing" they ask.
"Because my daddy farted and blew up the house"
Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor
after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to
compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and
have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on
to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more
beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I
thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends
that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said," I am dying from cancer, son, I
just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Irish Wife
At the World Women's Conference, the first
speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about
being more assertive with our husbands.
Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no
longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But
after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that
he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not
only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and
that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a
little bit out of my left eye."
The Irish Love Their Beer
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk
into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking
it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer
and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
Olympic Ice Skating
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the
Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly
dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic
feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland
6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume,
skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not
technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple
Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more
satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland
6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket,
with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight
away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers
a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then
falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding
mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland
6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the
hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery
out there."
The Top Ten Signs That You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun
Generic-looking green van parked across the
street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire
hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying
career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're
magically delicious!"
When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and
your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an
airtight alibi.
Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are
you just happy to see me?"
Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at
knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above
the floor in the stall next to you.
Irish Bank Robbery
Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery
which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2
March 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected
to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were
surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one
said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead,
all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING. |
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