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LAWYER JOKES

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Lawyer Jokes

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. 

They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? 

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? 

First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? 

Only three.  The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 

How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? 

Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? 

Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?  Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 

Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? 

His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? 

His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?  Nothing.

There are some things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? 

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

Attorneys and Doctors

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. 

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it.

The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"

Lawyer Talk

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

A guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

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