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Oldies But Goodies
Some of your old favorites have re-released their
great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some
examples:
Herman's Hermits "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Old Lady's Pet Frog
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that
she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.
Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this
one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He
whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So,
she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog
whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured
what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome,
young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old
lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)
Wedding Registry
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist
answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
Teased Old Lady
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed
away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old
legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's
when I shot the son of a bitch!
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