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Polish Sausage
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd
like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?
Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Great Fishing Spot
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in
a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so
one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of
the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
How Long Is The Pole?
An American is walking down the street when he sees
a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its
end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his
hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says,
"There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care
how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
Polish One Liners
Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth.
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your
foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles.
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin
the chair.
A2: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
Q: How do you take census in a Polish village?
A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and
subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?
A: Lawrence of Poland.
Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest
Service.
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear
on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski”?
A: Because they can't spell toboggan.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes?
A: They open on impact.
Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not
be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
A: Don’t laugh, it keeps the fish out.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Russia.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem)
A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union?
A: Every man for himself.
Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: What's delaying the Polish space program?
A: Development of a working match.
Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
A: A Polaroid One-Step.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?
A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.
Q: How do you confuse a Polak?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
A:
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
A: They forgot the recipe.
Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
Q: How do Polaks form a car pool?
A: They meet at work.
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.
Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole?
A: He varnished into thin air!
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in
the world today is Chinese.
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was
pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
Q: Why did the Polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
Q: How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child?
A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom
letter.
Q: A Polish soldier was confronted by a charging German soldier and a
charging Russian soldier. Which did he shoot first, and why?
A: He shot the German first--business before pleasure.
Q: How does a Polish Firing Squad stand?
A: In a circle
Q: Why does the new Polish navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old Polish navy.
Polish Indian
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough
to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto
Kawalski, nice to meet you."
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