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Stranger Than Fiction
PHILLIPSBURG, NJ.
An unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had
orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't
think he was going to eat it," said the dancer identified only as "Ginger,"
adding, "He was really drunk."
A Theory on Hell
The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term:
"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support
your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are
entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates
as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities.
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Cop Stories
Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch
for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a
10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through
automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed
photo of handcuffs.
Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window and flipped opens his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He
replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to
start her car for several minutes.
An Error Publishing an Article
Canada's Ottawa Citizen Newspaper recently
printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling
for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful
photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the
wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which
are deadly when eaten.
Netscape Technical Support Folly
Tech: Internet Technical Support this is
so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your
company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down
arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten
links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is
for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web
addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the
Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass ... Hey! I wasn't going to say it!)
Female Customer: ........ oh............. OOOH! ... Thank you.
(She quickly hung up) |
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