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Fire and Brimstone
Old Mrs. Wilson loved to hear a firey sermon. She would esconce her comfortable bulk in the pew, rock back and forth in time to the minister's cadences, take a dip of snuff and cry "A-a-a-men," at every piece of ministerial denunciation.
When the minister spoke harshly of sex, drinking, smoking, and drug-taking, she approved heartily, taking snuff at each item and emitting her rolling "A- a- a-men."
Finally the minister began, "And now let me talk about another vicious habit that, fortunately, is going increasingly out of fashion. I refer to the deplorable practice of snuff-dipping..."
Whereupon Mrs. Wilson sat bolt upright and muttered under her breath, "Wouldn't you know? He's stopped preachin' and commenced to meddlin'!"
Code Word
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
God and the Scientist
God was sitting in heaven
one day when a scientist said to Him,
"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in
the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist,
"we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into
it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very
interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into
the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
Pope Crossword
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
"I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, and then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
God busy Creating
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.
You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50years."
The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth.
You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected."
And it was so. So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
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