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Cow Tail
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last
golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture.
He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the
clubhouse.
They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten
up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his
ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and
lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball
so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.
The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, “Does this look
like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember.
Eight Iron
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into
a wooded ravine.
He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his
lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something
glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an
eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down
here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight
iron!"
Redneck Hero
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate
Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges
it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.
"'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal"; he starts writing in
his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the
reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says
proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard
kills family pet!"
The Dysfunctional Bears
Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse.
Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you
want to live with Papa Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me."
Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too."
So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?"
Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat
anybody."
The Old Golfer
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap.
Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the
water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is
falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in
its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from
the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the
fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole
for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling
around, we won't bring you next time."
Biker in Hell
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley
down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying
in the middle of the road.
The biker thought to himself, “I'll cut that cat in two,” and he bore down
on it hard.
As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a
large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed
into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80
MPH.
When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil
himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, “So,
how do you like it here?"
The bad-ass biker replied, “Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to
crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the
biker and asked, “So, how do you like it now?"
The biker responded by saying, “This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs
to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."
Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far
as it could go.
The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the
floor.
The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted,
the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed
those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"
By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way
down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined.
The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, “OK smart-ass,
how do you like it NOW?"
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and
chattered, “W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Jets f-f-finally w-w-win
the Super Bowl?"
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