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Top Ten Scenes Taken Out of the Star Wars
Trilogy Special Edition
10. Tauntaun and Hoth Wampa rendition of The Ice
Capades.
9. Luke, Obi-Wan, C3PO, R2-D2, and the Jawas singing "Follow the Yellow
Brick Road."
8. The Modal Nodes replaced in the Mos Eisley Cantina with GWAR.
7. Englebert Humperdink singing with The Max Rebo Band. (Maybe he got fed to
the Rancor?)
6. Eric Estrada and Larry Wilcox as a couple more Biker Scouts in ROTJ.
(This is CHIPS for those who don't remember that far back in the '80's)
5. Snowball fight amongst the Rebels on Hoth.
4. Spaceball I making a cameo appearance amongst the Imperial Fleet.
3. Grand Moff Tarkin hosting a poker game on the Death Star.
2. Bob Denver aka Gilligan as the second in command of the Executor.
1. Instead of letting of fireworks, the X-Wings in ROTJ decide to strafe the
living hell out of the Ewok village.
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is
Better Than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look; the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Top Ten Signs You're a True Star Wars Fan
10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you
use the words 'Star Trek Sissy Boys' at least 15 times.
9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry,
wrong Star Wars!)
8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard
saliva.
7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (No comment)
6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars
movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star
Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous 'I don't
feel like it' speech.
5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of
Anakin's wife.
4. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.
3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.
2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.
1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a
dysfunctional family of Ewoks.
Top Ten Ways to Know You Bought a
Second-Rate Death Star
1. It has a central exhaust port just below the
main port.
2. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station.
3. It won't go into hyperspace unless you yell, 'Engage!'
4. It has the ability to destroy a planet, but it is still insignificant
next to the power of the force.
5. It was designed by NASA.
6. Every corridor leads to a large, bottomless pit.
7. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss.
8. The 'Intel Inside' sticker is starting to peel off.
9. It has NCC-1701 painted on it.
10. One word: Outgassing!
The Top Ten Signs That You're Being
Stalked by a Leprechaun
Generic-looking green van parked across the street
with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire
hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying
career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're
magically delicious!"
When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and
your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an
airtight alibi.
Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are
you just happy to see me?"
Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at
knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above
the floor in the stall next to you.
Top Ten
Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads
10. JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike
9. CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President
8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -- Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay
White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys
7. RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor
6. HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor
5. STLSM -- Show Tune-Loving Straight Male
4. SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown the President
3. EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick
2. WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One
1. WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards For Cash
Ten Signs Your Dotcom In On the Skids
1. The company CEO has moved from the corner office
to the ledge outside the corner office.
2. The manager informs you that the drinks in the company fridge haven't
been free and hands you a $4,800 Snapple bill.
3. The company president asks if anyone has a problem giving out a little
astrological advice over the phone while they work.
4. The head of R&D is spending more and more time in the park across street
with a metal detector he refers to as his "search engine."
5. There are now 10-year-old Indonesian boys on either side of you
assembling Nike running shoes.
6. Management is now using copies of the company prospectus exclusively for
rolling papers.
7. Next time you see the company's founder, he is wearing a paper hat and
telling you which one is the Diet Coke.
8. The human resources manager informs you that (though it wasn't spelled
out in black and white) giving conventioneers body massages was indeed
implied in your job description, and that it could also involve a little
"converging," if you know what he means.
9. You arrive at work to find that all the computers have been replaced with
Etch-a-Sketches.
10. Your boss concedes that he might be out of his teens before he's able to
retire.
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