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Real Life Dilbert-Type
Managers Memos
"My boss spent the
entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She
claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I
gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company’s training programs and materials.
In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical
approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the
memo to the executive committee,
I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice
president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was
told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her
company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I
be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made
a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He
would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday
newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting
words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
How to
Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
1) Page yourself over
the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss
is a different gender.
3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have
to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're
doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you
did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call
everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee
or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they
want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an
intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle
the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the
lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none,
lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has
withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Thank God It's Friday
A business man got on an
elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde
already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Jail vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend
the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Survival
Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
ESCAPEE Definition: A
fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the
hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side
effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain
in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is
damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON
or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound
Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and
shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the
janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, with a good cleaning,
a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
FREQUENT FLYER Definition: Someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check
if it is empty. This always looks bad for that person.
Have you ever heard of the "DRAG BUNT?"- That is when you are walking by a
bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing
victims.
Windows Support
An unfailingly polite
lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone
terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home
computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I
let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down.’this is not a Macintosh disk. Would
you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank.
And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive;
the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
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